​Through the Gaps

How We Understand Each Other

When we listen to another person, we are not simply absorbing information. We are creating meaning. We take what they say, notice their expressions, tone, and body language—and then something interesting happens. We fill in the gaps with our own experiences.
This is not a mistake. It is how human beings make sense of one another. David Gordon, in Therapeutic Metaphors, points out that our understanding of others is always a blend: part what they reveal, and part what we supply from within ourselves.
Think of it as looking at a partially drawn picture. Our minds naturally complete the missing lines. In relationships, we do the same—we complete the unfinished sketch of someone’s story with our own colors and patterns.
The power lies in noticing how we fill those gaps. Sometimes we project our fears or past disappointments, and this clouds our view. Other times, we draw on empathy, curiosity, and imagination, which allow us to connect more deeply.
For coaches, leaders, and professionals, this awareness is crucial. Every conversation is not just about understanding someone else—it is also about understanding the role of our own inner world in shaping that understanding.
The question we can ask ourselves is: What am I adding to their story, and does it bring me closer to who they truly are—or farther away?
That awareness can transform not only how we connect with others, but also how we see ourselves.

(Inspired by David Gordon’s Therapeutic Metaphors: Helping Others Through the Looking Glass)